


watch me now, i’m going down

by lycanmutt



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fix-It, Homophobia, I guess?? Eddie lives but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be happy, Internalized Homophobia, I’ll add more tags as it goes, M/M, Movie: IT Chapter Two (2019), Multi, Rating will probably go up too idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-16 13:23:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20824043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lycanmutt/pseuds/lycanmutt
Summary: Is it really worth it?Richie makes that decision, and then he’s faced with even more decisions.They don’t all end well.





	1. don’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay let me just say that I don’t consider myself a writer at all lol but... I couldn’t resist trying to push myself to actually write something for once.  
Haven’t decided if it’s gonna end well or not, I guess we’ll see. All I know is that I’m gonna try to throw in more than enough angst than anyone actually needs.
> 
> Feedback/tips are very welcome, I might not write much but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to improve!

Finally, after so many years of wanting, lost memories, and denial, Richie was able to get up the strength to come clean. Nearly losing the man he considered his best friend, how would he have lived knowing that he’d never been brave enough to tell him? It didn’t have to mean anything, Richie just didn’t want to live with the fear of knowing that their lives could be cut short at any minute, and Eddie might never know how he felt.

“Hey, Spaghetti,” Richie spoke up, following after his friend as he pulled himself out of the water and onto dry land. Something about algae, or cyano-something, whatever it was, it had Eddie hauling ass to get out of the water almost as soon as he’d gotten in. Richie followed, the other would meet them back at the Derry Townhouse later in the evening. “I know you probably wanna get out of those clothes more than anything, but I got something to show you,” he said, and just grinned as Eddie spun around and looked at him as if he’d suggested they take another dive into the sewers to make _ sure _ the clown was dead. 

“If I catch something, if I get sick, it’s all on you. You have no idea how dangerous that shit can be. No idea!” Eddie shook his head and faced forward once again, throwing his hands in the air as if he was accepting whatever came to him as a result of Richie’s poor judgement.

“I’ll take that chance,” Richie said, and nudged the shorter man with his shoulder.

The walk was mostly silent, even Richie was far too exhausted for his usual banter. Of course, that wasn’t always a good thing. Instead, he found himself lost in his thoughts, ready to overthink the slightest thing. Cracking jokes, picking on the others, all of those helped him from going crazy in his own mind.

As they approached the old bridge, Richie could feel himself about to backpedal. And that was exactly what he did.

“Y’know what?” Richie pretended to look over the wooden barriers of the bridge, squinting as he closely examined parts of the bridge that were most certainly _ not _ the reason he’d brought Eddie there. “It looks like they sanded this shit down. Damn, sorry to disappoint,” he said and stood back up, shoving his hands into his pockets.

When Richie looked over, he could tell that Eddie wasn’t fully convinced by his explanation, and he saw him raise an eyebrow as Richie returned to where the bridge met the road. “Well, what _ was _it? I know for a fucking fact you know how to use your words, Richie, why don’t you just tell me.”

If only Eddie knew just how bad he really was at using his own words. “Just something I remembered from back when we were kids. I’m pretty damn sure Ben carved his and Bev’s names here, thought it’d be a good ‘told ya so’ that I’ve known since the beginning they’d end up together. Kinda loses the effect when I can’t point it out to you, Eds.” Richie Tozier, always the good actor. All he had to do was hope Eddie didn’t question any part of it that would send him into an improv disaster.

Eddie seemed to accept the answer, or at least he didn’t show that he thought Richie was bullshitting him, and he simply shrugged before heading back in the direction of the Townhouse, desperate to get out of the wet clothes Richie was dragging him around town in.

Real smooth, Richie. His mind was screaming at him, telling him to grow a pair and just do it, but there was also the voice he could remember from all those years before.

_ Don’t._

That voice didn’t have to try as hard to convince Richie, he was already on board with it before it continued. 

_ It’s your secret, Richie. All yours. _

How could he argue with that? A more convincing argument couldn’t have been made. That is, until Richie looked up to see Eddie walking in front of him. He’d later chalk it up to a glare from the sun, or a smudge on his glasses, but in that moment he’d swear he saw _ that _ Eddie. The one from the deadlights. He could see Derry right through the hole in his torso, blood running down the damp, and now tattered shirt. There was a trail of blood leading behind him, Richie’s eyes followed the path of the blood until he realized that, oh god, he’d been _ stepping in it. _ Richie’s breathing caught in his throat as he squeezed his eyes shut, quickly removing his glasses so he could wipe off whatever debris was altering his reality. 

Eddie must have heard him, because he was looking over his shoulder when Richie put his glasses back on. It was his Eddie again. Clearly, just a trick of the light had made him think otherwise.

“Sorry. Must have been one of your little algae-bacteria stuck in my eye,” Richie said and gave the other man a wide grin, but that quickly vanished as soon as Eddie turned back around. Richie had to say something. The vision, even if he was certain it was just a glare, could have been his reality. It still could be. “Wait.”

_ Don’t. Don’t you dare. _

Richie ignored the voice, gritting his teeth as he tried to push on. “That’s not what I meant to show you,” he mumbled, looking back at the bridge as he wondered if it was worth walking back. No. Eddie was right, he could use his words instead of childishly pointing toward some scratched initials in an old piece of wood.

_ Don’t. Don’t. DON’T. _

Maybe it could wait. At least until they got back to the Townhouse, and changed out of the damp clothes they were wearing. “Look, since I’m so considerate and it’s totally not because you look like an angry, wet cat in those clothes, let’s get back to the hotel first.”

What was the worst that could happen? If Richie wimped out again, things would go on. Eddie would go back home to New York, and probably not ever give him a second thought again. If Richie followed through, well… the most likely situation was that Eddie would still go back home, maybe even angry at him, but he probably wouldn’t forget Richie. Maybe it was wrong, maybe it was a selfish part of him, but the idea of Eddie forgetting him seemed far worse than the alternatives. 

-

Eventually, they’d made their way back to the Townhouse. Not without several rants from Eddie about how staying in wet clothes had been _ proven _ to weaken the immune system, and the dust from his hotel room was already setting off his allergies so now he’d _ surely _ catch a cold. Oh, but it didn’t stop there. According to Eddie, that cold would turn into bronchitis, and then pneumonia thanks to the air in Derry. It didn’t matter that Richie’s thoughts were racing and he felt the familiar nausea of anxiety, he couldn’t resist grinning as Eddie listed off every possible symptom like a WebMD article.

Just changing out of his wet, sewage covered clothes wasn’t enough for Eddie, but Richie couldn’t blame him. While the other man borrowed his shower, after what had happened in Eddie’s own bathroom, he had little interest in returning to his own room; Richie headed down to the main lobby in hopes of finding a bathroom to wash up as best as he could, and change into clothes that didn’t reek of Derry’s waste. With some effort, he managed to get himself up to Tozier standards of hygiene and seemed satisfied enough with that. If Eddie refused to speak to him until he took a _ proper _ shower, well, then he’d have to take it as a hint that fate was telling Richie “beep beep”.

When the old, creaky pipes of the Townhouse sounded like they’d shut off, Richie took a deep breath before heading back upstairs to his room. He knocked twice on the door, “Room service, my good sir,” Richie said in his old butler’s voice, the only one that Eddie hadn’t thought was _ completely _lame when they were kids.

“As if I’d let someone claiming to be fucking ‘room service‘ in, dumbass,” he could hear Eddie call back from inside the room, “I’m dressed, you can come in.”

Richie fought the urge to put on yet another voice, to tell Eddie that he must have knocked on the wrong door and _ oh, so sorry to have bothered you, good sir. I best be hopping on a plane across the country before I make anymore mistakes, toodeloo. _

Instead, Richie unlocked the hotel room door and stepped inside to see the light on in the bathroom as Eddie stood in front of the mirror, working something through his hair with his fingers. When Richie stood in the doorway, he could make out the label on the (not even travel-sized) pump bottle and _oh my god_ _he has a routine that includes fucking leave in conditioner._ Meanwhile, Richie’s hair was grateful when he splurged for the 2-in-1. 

Now seemed like as good of a time as any, Richie thought. It wasn’t as if there would ever be an ideal time to potentially throw away a friendship he’d only recently rekindled. 

“The thing I wanted to show you,” he started as he leaned against the doorframe, eyes scanning over the bottles Eddie had lined up on the bathroom counter. “It was actually something I’d carved, hell if I know if Ben or Bev actually carved something in there, it wouldn’t surprise me-“ Richie could tell he was starting to get off track, and he paused for a moment to get back to where he was. “Anyway. When we were kids, I put my own set of initials on there. Kind of as a… ‘fuck you’ to Bowers in a way, I guess.”

Eddie made a sound that could have been taken as a “go on”, and when Richie glanced up, he could see that he’d moved onto brushing his teeth. Perfect. Now was his chance, he was guaranteed at least two minutes of silence from Eddie, two minutes where he wouldn’t be able to voice his disgust or hatred.

“You know, because Bowers always gave me shit for being a queer or a fairy or whatever word he’d picked out for that day. What I’m saying is that, he wasn’t totally wrong,” he managed to get out, all his focus on one of the bottles by the sink. That’s right, ease into it. He could still keep part of his secret to himself, if everything did go horribly wrong. That thought was comforting. “The initial I put on the bridge, it was a crush I had. On another guy, I mean it was never going anywhere and it never did, but… I had to get it out somewhere, you know?”

Richie’s eyes glanced back at Eddie’s reflection in the mirror. He was still in the middle of his dentist-approved brushing session, but he still looked… normal. Not angry or upset by Richie’s confession.

_ That’s because you only gave him half of the truth. _

“That’s all. After everything that happened over the last couple days, I just… don’t want to feel like a complete fucking fraud around the people I consider my best friends. I mean, you already picked up on the fact that I haven’t even written my own show material, the least I could do is give you the option of being friends with the actual me instead of another scripted version. So. You’re welcome,” Richie concluded right as Eddie spit out a mouthful of toothpaste, and rinsed out his mouth a few times. He was taking his time, and that either meant Eddie was _ very _ set in his routine (the most likely option), or he had no interest in getting out of Richie’s room as soon as he could (the most desirable option). 

After drying his face with a towel he’d clearly brought from home, Eddie _ finally _ turned to face Richie. “You know that’s not going to change anything, not with me and not with any of the others,” he said, and gave Richie a smile that left him feeling a mix of relief and disappointment.

_ Yeah, that’s part of the problem, _ Richie thought, but he didn’t know if he could push on with the rest of the truth. He was certain he was visibly shaking, and the way his stomach twisted at the thought of continuing made him certain he should call it a night. Leaving it at that was perfectly acceptable.

“What was the name?”

_ Or not._  
  



	2. secret.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie’s secret comes out, just not in the way he’d expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get this done a couple days ago but things came up so this is a little later than I hoped!  
But here it is, and again any and all feedback is welcome!

After he’d just come clean with Eddie, at least with part of the truth, could he really bring himself to lie? It was his own damn fault, he should have known there would be questions. He didn’t have a script to read off of, and his attempts at improvising would surely be picked up on by Eddie. Richie had already taken one big risk that day, why not live on the edge a little more?  
  


_ You’ll regret it.   
_

“Is it someone I knew?” Eddie asked after another moment of Richie’s silence. 

“Yeah. You know him,” Richie responded to that question as if giving it an answer would void the first thing that Eddie had asked. He felt like a child, in the middle of some game of truth or dare where everyone prodded him with questions about who his crush was as he tried to avoid giving a straight (ha) answer. He’d always default to the classic “your mom”, or on the rare occasion, name some girl who was _ clearly _ completely out of his league so the others wouldn’t push him to pursue anything. Anything to prevent the inevitable guessing game that would come from his friends if he tried to skirt around the answer, like he was doing now. 

“Cool,” Eddie said in response to him, and Richie was left even more confused. Eddie almost sounded… disinterested. He’d expected some catty response from his friend, but Eddie wasn’t pushing him. Either he already knew, or he didn’t care. Richie didn’t know which one was worse. “There was one time… fuck, it had to have been almost 15 years ago now, before Myra and I were officially married. I was at a work party, and found myself wondering what it might be like to go back home with one of the guys instead of her,” Eddie added, completely unprovoked. As if he felt like he owed Richie some truth about himself in return. “I didn’t, you know, follow through… but it was something I’d always been curious about and never had the confidence to let myself explore it. Besides, I’m married now and I couldn’t do that to Myra,” he trailed off, and cleared his throat before focusing his attention back on the bottles lined up on the sink. He started to put each one back into the bag he’d brought, not without first confirming that each one had the cap securely shut. 

With each ‘click’ from the caps, Richie sunk deeper into wondering _ what the hell was he supposed to say to that. _ There were the things he wanted to say, like _ oh, funny you should say that. You know, you don’t seem too happy with your moth-, excuse me, wife. Here’s an idea, I can show you what you’ve been missing and you can reevaluate your marriage afterward, what else are friends for? _

Even Richie knew better than to say that. While he’d just found out that one of his biggest hopes had been true, Eddie might not be_ entirely _straight, he was still too late. Eddie was married, and friends don’t encourage friends to cheat on their wives. Even if said friend is lonely and probably still in love with the other friend in question. 

“Damn,” Richie finally managed to get out before the silence lingered too long. “Poor Eds missed out on his college experimentation phase,” he teased his friend and gave him a grin that he hoped said _ I support you and appreciate you telling me _ and not _ it’s never too late to try _ , _ let me hop in the shower quick so your first homosexual experience isn’t linked to the smell of raw sewage. _

“Fuck you, Tozier,” Eddie said in response, but he was still smiling as he shook his head. 

Once he could see that the last of Eddie’s toiletries had been carefully put into his bag, Richie moved out of the doorway so his friend could get by. He wished Eddie could stay. Hey, maybe he’d get lucky and _ another _ psycho killer would find their way into his room, and then Eddie would have to borrow not only his shower, but his entire room. Anything could happen in Derry. 

“Thanks for letting me borrow your shower, man. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I need to sleep for a solid day or two... I’ll see you later,” Eddie said as he carried his bag to the door of the hotel room, which Richie held open for him. 

“Right-o, sir. The facilities are open to you whenever you please, no appointment necessary,” Richie said in his butler voice once again, and bowed slightly to Eddie as the other man shook his head and headed back toward his own room. Richie watched, waiting to make sure that Eddie did in fact safely make it to his own hotel room without the sounds of any screams echoing down the hallway. 

Damn. Just his luck, no insane escapees hiding in Eddie’s room so Richie could come save the day. 

Once Richie shut the door behind him and was alone in his room, the exhaustion finally hit him. The smell of the sewers still lingered on his skin, and he knew that his hair probably contained more biohazards than even Eddie could identify. As tempting as it was to go straight to bed, he knew there was a good chance Eddie would never set foot in his room ever again if he found out Richie hadn’t bothered to shower before dirtying the sheets in a way that wasn’t even especially fun. Before pure laziness could win out, Richie stripped out of his clothes and turned the shower on. As soon as he stepped in, he could see the hotel’s tiny shampoo and soap bottles still lined up on the edge of the bathtub, because _ of course _ Eddie wouldn’t _ dare _to use cheap soap like that on his delicate skin. Richie however wasn’t above taking advantage of something offered to him for free. 

_ You think that went well, don’t you? _

As Richie rinsed the cheap hotel shampoo from his hair, he wished there was a way to wash away those nagging thoughts in the back of his head along with it. The damn clown was dead, there was no reason for them to remain. Only, the voice had faded from Pennywise’s to Richie’s own, and there was no way of escaping himself.

_ If he knew the whole thing, you wouldn’t be feeling that way. _

It was a hell of a lot harder to drown out those thoughts with stupid jokes and rambling commentary when he was alone, Richie was realizing. Unless he wanted a spot at Bowers’ old haunt, it was probably for the best that he didn’t talk out loud to himself.

_ Isn’t it comforting, having a secret all to yourself? Keep it that way. _

Say no more, Richie was already convinced. He turned off the water, and reached out to grab one of the towels. It was only another couple days until his flight back, he could handle that much. He’d been keeping it to himself for close to three decades, what was another couple days? 

As he stepped out and finished drying off, he nearly tripped over the pile of towels that Eddie had left on the floor after borrowing his shower. After cursing under his breath about how Eddie should fucking _ know _ that there was no way in hell he’d be able to maneuver around something like that without his glasses, until the pile came into focus. Of fucking course, Eddie even folded the towels he left on the floor for housekeeping to take away. 

Fuck, this was going to be a difficult couple days.

-

Richie ended up passing out almost as soon as his body hit the bed. Maybe it was a blessing, but he was exhausted enough that his mind couldn’t even find the strength to conjure up any kind of dream, and he certainly didn’t hear when any of the others returned to the hotel. What finally woke him up was the sound of Eddie’s voice from down the hall, thanks a lot, thin walls of the Derry Townhouse.

“Myra, Myra. Relax, I was _ asleep, _” Eddie’s voice was stern, but Richie could tell there was some weariness mixed in, as if this wasn’t the first time he’d dealt with a similar conversation. The walls muffled the sound, but Richie couldn’t resist listening in.

“Yes- _ Yes, _Myra, let me finish. Yes, I know it’s the afternoon, it was a long night.”

Well, it wasn’t like Eddie was exactly _ lying _ to his wife.

“I know. Yes- No! You know that’s not- I’m fine, Myra, I don’t need to go get checked out. Yes, I promise. Look, the guys just got back, I have to go.”

Maybe Eddie _ wasn’t _ actually above lying to his wife.

“Of course. I’ll call you again later, alright? I’m sorry- Alright, yes. I love you too, bye.”

And Richie wasn’t above _ wishing _Eddie was lying to his wife.

He could have sworn he could hear Eddie let out a loud sigh as soon as the call ended. The same sigh Richie could remember Eddie letting out all those years ago after arguing with his mother about letting him go out with his friends. After shutting the door on Mrs. Kaspbrak, Eddie always took a few minutes to really bounce back to his normal self. A little prodding and joking from Richie could expedite that process, though.

_ Don’t do it. _

Ignoring the thought that repeated itself in his head, Richie dragged himself out of bed. He grabbed a t-shirt that was probably clean, and pulled on a pair of sweatpants from the suitcase he’d left open on his floor since day one. What was the harm in going to check in on his best friend?

_ Stay away from him, Richie. _

Nah.

Richie found himself standing in front of the door to Eddie’s hotel room, and he lifted his hand to knock on the door before he could wimp out. Hell, Eddie was brave enough to sleep in a room where he’d been attacked just days before, Richie could handle knocking on a damn door to check in on his friend.

“Eds, everything okay in there?” Richie said after knocking. “Heard you talking to the missus, you know how well my skills worked for seducing the late Mrs. K, no reason it won’t work on the new-“ Richie was cut off as Eddie opened the door to meet him with a glare that was devoid of any real anger. He looked more defeated than anything, and maybe even a little embarrassed that Richie had heard him down the hall. 

“Somehow, I have the feeling that letting _ you _ talk to my wife wouldn’t do me any favors,” he said and shook his head, although he stepped aside as if he was inviting Richie into his room. “Maybe that’s what I need right now, though,” he added, mumbling under his breath as he closed the door behind them. 

Without waiting for an invite every step of the way, Richie decided to make himself comfortable by falling back onto Eddie’s bed. He could see Eddie about to have a fit, so he quickly spoke up, “Calm down, I showered after you left,” he said and held his hands up defensively, and adjusted so he could sit with his back against the headboard. 

“I don’t give a fuck, your _ ass _is still on my goddamn pillow, Rich. You know what? It’s fine, it’s fine. I have a spare” Eddie was obviously more set on convincing himself that it was all fine, Richie sure as hell didn’t give a shit as he sat there with a grin. 

“Mmhm. You’ve got it all under control, Eds. Now come have a seat, tell the good doctor what’s been bothering you,” he lowered his glasses to the end of his nose and glanced over at Eddie with mock concern. He didn’t expect Eddie to pour his heart out to him, but at the very least, he could offer him a distraction if it was wanted. 

With a disappointing lack of commentary on Richie’s poor therapist impression, Eddie moved over to sit on the opposite side of the bed, not without moving the pillows out of the way of course. Richie went to grab one of them, but he wasn’t fast enough for Eddie to yank it away first and swing it at him. His glasses, which were already on the brink of falling off his face, were easily knocked off and onto the sheets. “You deserved that,” Eddie mumbled, and put the pillow behind his back to keep it away from any attempts at retaliation. 

It was silent for a moment as Richie felt for his glasses, and put them back on properly. 

_ Leave. _

“I’m just so damn tired of her needing to know and control every single part of my life,” Eddie spoke up to break the silence, nervously twisting his hands in his lap. “I’m pushing 40 and I have a fucking curfew, Rich. Sometimes it really does feel like I never got away from my mother,” he said with a weak laugh.

Richie on the other hand, didn’t find it especially humorous. “Why don’t you stand up to her? Let her know you’re a big boy now, you can take care of yourself.”

Eddie looked at Richie as if he’d just suggested he murder his wife instead. “I can’t do that. She’d… she’d-“

“She’d what? Of course you can, Eddie. You told me off all the time, you can be a prickly little asshole when you wanna be,” Richie told him. 

“You’re different.”

“Why am I different?”

“You just are. Things are different when it’s your wife,” Eddie said without confidence, Richie could tell that not even he truly believed the bullshit he’d convinced himself of. Or rather, been convinced of. “You wouldn’t get it, you’ve never been married.”

“Ouch,” Richie said, faking a hurt look. “That’s not true though, Eds. You know it. You really think that if you’d married me instead, I’d be acting like that? Hell no, I wouldn’t fucking _ dare _ to walk all over you or coddle you because I know what you’re like, you could put my ass in check in a heartbeat.”

Eddie was silent for a bit, picking at the sheets on his bed, and Richie wondered if his “example” had gone a bit too far, revealed a bit too much.

_ You’re about to ruin everything. _

Richie was about to correct himself, emphasize that he hadn’t meant _ him _ in particular, the same thing could be applied to any of their friends. That was what he’d meant, of course, if Eddie thought otherwise then it was all just a misunderstanding-

“Maybe I should have married you instead, then,” Eddie finally mumbled.

Before he had a chance to think about his words, they were already out of his mouth, “Maybe you should have.”

There it was. He’d ruined everything. Any chance of keeping the rekindled friendship among the Losers, Richie had gone and thrown it away. Eddie could accept the way he was, but it was a whole other thing when it was directed _ at _ him. 

As he was about to excuse himself to leave, Richie felt a hand on his thigh. “I used to wonder what that might have been like, you know,” Eddie’s voice was quiet, but Richie had no intentions of interrupting or cracking a joke. He couldn’t, his body felt like it had been frozen. “When we were kids. I had the stupidest fucking crush. 

Clearly Eddie was a bit more than just bi-curious like Richie had thought after his earlier confession. Not just that, but he’d felt that way toward _ him. _Fuck. If only Richie had the balls to say something all those years ago, maybe Eddie wouldn’t be married to a carbon copy of his mother and- 

_ Oh. _ Richie’s thoughts were cut off by the feeling of Eddie’s lips pressed against his own. _ Finally. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise shit is gonna start going down soon.  
Also the rating might go up in the next chapter, we’ll see!

**Author's Note:**

> I’m working on the next chapter so hopefully it won’t be too long before I can update this agdfahfdj


End file.
